The ends of things – conversations, performances, lectures, films – tend to encourage reconciliation of events, consolidation of ideas, space for us to do some processing and enjoying of the thing that is ending. One of my favorite endings before I became a mother was the end of my exercise class. We would take 5 minutes to stretch, thank ourselves and our teacher, be together as a group after a tough workout. I had always noticed the women (the class is almost always women) who would leave before then end. Maybe seeing them do this over the years gave me the idea that this was a possibility. And so when I returned to class after Miss Pumpkin was born, I began to leave early as well. I was squeezing class between my morning with patients and my afternoon teaching responsibilities. To be honest, I was pretty proud of myself for making the time. I continued this way, doing the most intense parts of class and scurrying out before the cool down and stretch – those were not the most important parts of class anyway, I figured. I had decided they were luxuries that I would not have.

A full year into my new routine – I was still very proud of myself for going to class at all – I had a break from my teaching duties and I found myself with nothing to rush off to after class. That day, I stayed until the end. I remembered all of the wonderful parts of the end – the kindness I would send my own way, the exhausted smiles shared with the others in the class – and realized that if I needed these five minutes before Pumpkin, I definitely needed them now.

The trouble was that my five minute indulgence would translate to about a 30-minute delay in my arriving home at the end of my day. Small delays in the shower line-traffic pattern-elevator line-subway matrix would add up to about that much time.

You see, motherhood very often causes us to feel quite guilty about any time we are spending away. It’s an understandable and perfectly natural emotion. It serves to keep us close to our pumpkins and solidifies our bond to them. But it can also cause us to neglect the things that we need. Post-baby us can get carried away shifting more and more of the things that pre-baby us had felt were “needs” into the category of “wants” or the even more judgmental category of “luxury”. But pre-baby us was no fool. She might have even been our biggest advocate. Perhaps we could take a few of her suggestions more seriously.

At some point, we find ourselves ready to emerge from the one-on-one love fest that we do with our little ones and start to want some contact with other adults. The little ones really don’t know the difference until they are around 2, so this early seeking of parent-friends is really about us. So how do we choose these friends?

Honestly, many of us choose parent friends by proximity in time and space. Then, once we find ourselves in the same music class/gym class/art class at the same time, we give each other a once over and decide who feels right. It is very much like how we choose who to play with in grammar school. And we must remember that some of those choices yielded us amazing long-lasting friendships and some of them did not. This is ok, for the best really. If we can come away from the little one’s earliest years with one or two true friends, that is really fantastic.

I find that there are a few scales that need to be somewhat aligned for these new relationships to really come together:

Your parenting style along the permissive to rigid spectrum is very important here. You may really begin to take stock of this aspect of your parenting style – one that you will be examining agin and again in years to come – when pumpkin and company start to get some mobility. The key here is not to be judgmental of your or another parent’s style. Rather, to notice your own style and then figure out what feels comfortable for you and pumpkin. You might find it quite stressful to be with another parent who is frequently redirecting their child or you might find it uncomfortable to feel that pumpkin’s playmate could use some reigning in. You and the other parent don’t need to be an exact match here, but being within a comfortable range is key.

Another factor to consider is what you are both looking for in this relationship. Is it someone to chat with at the playground? Or would you enjoy a more involved friendship? How would you both feel about involving your partners and about seeing one another outside of time with the kids? There is no one correct answer to this question, but it does matter an awful lot that you are synced up in this regard. It can be quite uncomfortable to have to repeatedly decline invitations and enforce boundaries with a parent who is looking for more that you have to give and similarly disappointing to be on the other side – looking for more from a potential friend who doesn’t have the space to offer what you want.

And finally, the kids have to like each other well enough. A boisterous, physical little playmate might not be pleasant for your pumpkin if he or she prefers quieter play at this particular moment in time. Likewise, it won’t be much fun (for either of you) if your little one is more spirited and his or her playmate is upset by that level of energy. Again, the kids won’t be very friendly with each other just yet – just wait until they start to develop their first friendships, heart melting! But their being able to play in the same general area can give you all the feeling that it’s ok to give the kids a little space and everyone benefits from this.

A nonjudgemental but realistic stance is so important here. Remember that the goal is to find some company that you really enjoy and some support for this wild journey that is parenting. You have quite a lot to take care of at the moment, so this is not the time for collecting higher maintenance relationships. This is a chance for some much needed fun!

I was putting Pumpkin down for bed a few nights ago. It was late, she was overtired and silly-wired-just teetering on the edge of meltdown and, of course, she wanted to play. I kept saying things like “it’s very late”, “it’s sleeping time now”, “it is NOT play time now”, “everyone is going to sleep”. After a regrettably long time it occurred to me that this poor child had no idea what I was telling her to do. She was exhausted, out of her routine, looking for my help to settle down. She was engaging me by goofing around (luckily not screaming yet, but that was just lucky) and I wasn’t getting it. I changed my approach.

“Let me hold you. Close your eyes. Be still. Let your body fall asleep.”

“Tomorrow play?”, she said. This, “tomorrow play?” is her permission to fall asleep statement. I smiled, relieved, and she was down shortly after.

As she so often does, Miss Pumpkin reminded me of something I could do better at bedtime and in the rest of my life: say exactly what it is that I mean. In my work as a psychiatrist I am precise in my language. I have to be to do my work well. But in the rest of life, I sometimes let that fall away in the interest of being polite, well-received, not seeming overly fill-in-the-nagging-woman-stereotype. And I think it hurts us as parents when we do too much of it. We have so much to handle in every moment of every day taking care of ourselves and our little ones. It must take away from a much needed source to also manage our communications so carefully…and to have to re-manage them when they haven’t served the purpose we intended.

And consider the resentment that often grows when we think we have asked someone to help us or to consider our perspective and then don’t feel helped or heard.

I hear a version of this interaction quite a bit:

Busy partner says, “dear partner, the little one could use a snack soon.”

Dear partner listens, says something like “ok” and then does not move.

Busy partner is no longer busy and returns to find things just as he or she left them. “Dear (though now slightly less dear) partner, I asked you to get the little one a snack”

Both partners are now irritated. Sound familiar?

A simpler version would be:

Busy partner says, “dear partner, would you please get the little one a snack now?”

Less busy partner says, “ok” and gets the snack.

Done.

What a gift it would be to ourselves and our families to simplify what we can in this way.

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